Hello out there! This is Jon, the member of Trophy Husbands that isn’t those other two. Looking over our website recently, I saw it’s been nearly a year since we last posted. And that’s not because we’re lazy or occasionally forget we have a website. No. It’s that we’re all really REALLY busy. So let me take this time to catch you all up with what’s new.
I’ll start with me. Boy howdy, has it been a year. 2017 began with a bang as I landed a juicy role in the hotly anticipated Lizzie McGuire reboot, Lizzie McGrownup. In the show I play Gordo’s younger brother, Schlomo, who has moved in with Lizzie and Gordo (now married with preteens of their own) and stirs up some trouble between the lovebirds. Did someone say love triangle? I’ll never tell! Anyway, the thing was a blast to shoot and you can look forward to watching me and the rest of the McGrownup gang when the show launches on Disney’s new VR app next fall.
In perhaps even more important news, Haylie Duff introduced me to TM or Transcendental Meditation for those of you not in the know. Let me tell you, it is SO relaxing and makes you sooooo much better than regular people. In fact I literally just came out of what appears to have been a four month trance right before typing this. I can tell this from the lush facial hair I’ve grown.
Which leads me to our next Husband. Jackson has had his life change in a pretty significant and special way this past year. He’s a dad! That’s right, our favorite Trophy Husband is now a Trophy Father. As we all know, when a Jackson reaches adulthood, it finds a nice place to roost, settles in, then shakes forth from its beard hundreds of embryos, to and fro. Those that are able to survive the harsh Toronto winter develop into full blown people, and it is my pleasure to announce that three made it through! That’s right, triplets. All three of ‘em with full blown beards, just like their father. The two boys, Heinrich and Gildrum, are gonna grow up to be some real ladykillers, while the girl, Henrietta, has a most promising career in the carnival circuit to look forward to.
All in all, Jackson has really embraced the role of family man, going so far as to open up his own Olive Garden to share the experience with all those with a warm heart and an empty belly. Did someone say unlimited breadsticks? I’ll never tell!
Finally, there’s Mike. Shortly after watching the film Nocturnal Animals in early January of 2017, Mike invested all of his money into a windowless white van and hit the road for good ol’ Hollywood, US of A. Once there, he made it his life’s mission to meet Jake Gyllenhaal and really dissect what makes this acting thing tick. While he never did get to speak with Jake one on one, he did follow him around for most of the year and get some really great candid snapshots like this one.
Unfortunately, Jake (I hope I can call him that, I feel like we’re close) eventually noticed Mike being literally everywhere he went, and before Mike could finish his life size Jake hairdoll (made with 100% genuine Gyllenhaal hair I might add) he was slapped with a restraining order. Since then, no one has really seen or heard from Mike. Did someone say dead in a ditch? I’ll never tell! (Though that is a very real possibility.)
In real news, starting today our sketches will be available on Amazon Prime, for all you moneybags that have that, cause nothing says Easter and the second coming of Christ like Trophy Husbands. We also have a bunch of other projects we’re working on that we’re really excited and can’t wait to show you, so stay tuned. Did someone say HBO series? No. No one said that. But we gotta lot of other cool shit, so hang onto your butts.